As children, many of us were shamed or condemned for being wrong or not knowing. With that shame, a wound forms, usually a core wound. As adults, we carry that shame when we are wrong. If we are afraid to feel that shame, we may try to never be wrong. More often, we will defend against being wrong or admitting a shortcoming.
While this may ward off feeling that ancient, gut-wrenching shame or worthlessness, the results of this in adulthood are devastating. When you can’t admit wrongdoing, you avoid accountability and responsibility. This halts learning and growth. It also means that you can’t make amends, because to make amends would be to admit wrongdoing. This means you can’t contribute to the healing of someone you have wronged. This result is limited intimacy, broken relationships, or total rupture of connection.
Healing begins with you. At first, it may be allowing yourself, however gradually, to feel some shame or worthlessness. Maybe admitting some wrongdoing. In the midst of feeling the old wound, it helps to reaffirm your true worth, especially to have it mirrored by someone who loves you. Gradually, you may release the old pain and grow new values and self-worth. You will be able to admit when wrong, make amends, help heal yourself and others, grow and foster, instead of sabotage, your precious relationships.
