There are needs . . . and there is neediness.
Everyone needs connection with others. But when unmet childhood needs spill into adult relating, neediness arises. It has a different flavor than adult need fulfillment. To me it feels like excessive clinginess to the point of grabbing, someone trying to suck something out of me, or to desperately monopolize my attention.
This kind of neediness is a turn-off. I still try to meet it with compassion because it’s a wound coming to light, expressing itself, trying to heal.
But the bulk of this emptiness can’t be healed through other adults outside of a professional, therapeutic healing relationship. It’s a wound that needs to be grieved before the emptiness can be filled with one’s own love (which bubbles up from the dissolving of the wound) and the love others.
When the grief is unmet, it tries to fill and heal itself through grabbing and neediness. This doesn’t usually work so well because what needs to be grieved can’t be filled by an unwitting other. I think some historical unmet needs can be fulfilled this way–in a healthy, loving relationship, as long as the giver of the energy is okay with it.
When I feel my energetic boundaries being crossed this way, I usually pull back. If the other is open to it, we can discuss our respective experiences. Owning what is ours in relationship helps us heal our deep wounds, as long as we are open to self-inquiry and not just defensive.
