When I was in the depths of my shadow and core wound work many years ago, I took the message of this meme to an extreme, for the purpose of overturning every inner stone I could. I took everything personally so that I could examine as many of my defunct patterns as possible. I wanted maximal accountability.
Sometimes I found nothing. Sometimes I found actions and reactions I could trace to wounds via my body sensations. I also made a regular practice of taking on what wasn’t mine, just provisionally to actually be with it, instead of dismissing it outright as “not mine” and thereby lose an opportunity.
I was in the beginning stages of deep self-awareness, so I chose the default that many these days (and those days!) ignore and immediately deflect: mining any bit of ownership and accountability. I wanted to maximize my shadow work, and taking things personally was a key part of this journey.
Over the decades, I’ve had plenty more practice owning what’s mine, as well as creating boundaries for what isn’t. I don’t need to try everything on anymore. I can quickly determine what is mine and what isn’t. Still, I play the skeptic and at least check in to honestly reflect. I’m not afraid of owning my shadow and shortcomings. I’m actually more afraid of not owning them, because I have seen intimately how they limit me in so many ways, including my self-respect.
The Yang to the Yin of all this is that it’s as important to disown what isn’t ours as it is to own what is. Blame is important. Just as it’s crucial to find healthy “blame” (inner work for accountability) with ourselves, it’s important to hold others accountable. Inner activism through self-work sets the stage for more accurate outer activism to hold others accountable with a minimum of shadow projection (and drama). How wonderful if we didn’t have to hold other accountable because others did their inner accountability work!
Unsurprisingly, and ironically, I have a difficult time with the gross lack of integrity afoot in the world, especially in everyday interactions. Such integrity, and its lack, is based in shadow work and brutal honesty, as we disentangle and disarm our disingenuous parts and regrow truth in their place. Once you realize how your defenses and blind spots hold you back—if only for your own sense of self-worth—you *want* to be self-aware and self-owning, so that you can live in greater truth and self-honor.
At the end of the day, defensiveness against owning our stuff amounts to unrealistic fear and self-sabotage.
Nota bene: the new age meme not to take things personally is at least partially flawed and used as a defense against self-examination and accountability.
